Friday, July 20, 2012

"Inside the mind of a Boxer and a Rottweiler's mind"

Being a dog is not all that great. It has its good and bad moments. Right now, I am bored shit-less watching these cats groom each other while they hang around like humans do at a

Brothel! I am watching that black cat Pepper closely as he is watching me! My owner seems to be quite content at bleaching the counters while she is naked and dancing to some 

stupid 80's music. I wonder if she has a mental problem? Come to think of it, all humans seem to be screwed up in the head! 

My owner seems to be cool but she too, has her moments.

All the dog owners at the dog park are stupid as far as I am concerned. All of us dogs know it but we do not acknowledge it because us dogs are suppose to help them be happy.

I don't remember signing up for this deal with God, or did I?

Urghhh, This is my life for the moment and I should not complain but I am bored to death! Let's get serious... how many toys can a dog chew on before its jaws get tired?

I am not allowed to run in the house and not allowed to chew the remote or any other objects except my toys! BORING!!

I need some excitement here! The pissing trick can only work once in awhile. My meal time is in about 2 hrs and I have nothing to do but watch the cats hang out while my owner 

bleaches the counters and dance in the nude... great! 

I wanna chase birds and run free. I wanna catch the ball, no matter who throws the damn thing. I wanna be in the sunshine where it is warm. 

Mama Ben, my owner's mother is the best.

When she takes me, I get the Royalty treatment. She feeds me all sorts of human goodies and puts Egyptian perfume on me. 
When she takes me out for my business in the rain, she carries an umbrella over me and wipes me down like I am a princess. ( I am a Princess, but Mama Ben is the only one that 

seems to know that! )

Bummer! :(  I wanna see Mama Ben now! Maybe, if I concentrate hard enough, she will come?

Focusing at the door the way I do with the ball by staring at it...

( Growling )  It's been about 30 minutes now and nothing is happening! My owner is still busy with her senseless cleaning and dancing.

Right now, I don not wanna be a dog! I feel miserable and bored stiff!

What can I do? What shall I do? ...

Screw this thinking inside my head, I need a nap! Mama can wake me up when she is done with her shit. Speaking of SHIT... I need to take one very soon!

I can feel it wanting to come out. I wonder if I can blame that one on the cats? Hmm... Should I try that and see if I could cause some Shit with SHIT? 

I am all alone inside my head here. Can anyone blame a dog for thinking? I think NOT!  ( Exhaling... )

That was a great walk with my big dummy. He's tons of fun when he wants to be, but I seriously think he's got multiple personality disorder or something like that. One day he's acting all mellow, the next he's all wound up. All too entertaining at times, these humans are really funny creatures.
People have no idea of what they're doing, that much I've come to learn. Hey, just because I'm a dog doesn't mean I have no brains. That's just what we lead people to think, as we dogs are content to have no responsibilities of any kind, we love the freedom of being able to basically do as we please. Granted it comes with certain boundaries, but that's just fine as well. Everyone and everything needs boundaries.
Good think my master has boundaries, for the most part anyways. He's been known to extend his from time to time. Reminds me of a certain park visit of recent past, when he saw a female seated at one of the park benches as she watched her dog taking a dump a few feet away.
He told me, "Ok boy, go up to her and lay your head in her lap".  I looked up at him with a look of confusion to which he added "Well what are you waiting for? Go boy, go"!
He gave me a light kick in the ass and off I went. He knows I don't like doing this crap, I mean I wouldn't even put my snout in another female dogs crotch, much less a freakin' humans crotch! What does he think I am, a dog? Idiot.
Trotting along on my way over to this woman, I came across an idea. I decided to screw up his plan by walking over to the woman's dog, which was a poodle looking really prissy by the way, and mounting her to the dismay and shock of her owner letting out a scream for Othello to come and get a hold of me.
Not what he had in mind at all. I totally embarrassed him in front of several dozen other park goers, as well as the rest of the dogs in the near vicinity.
That will show him not to have me do his dirty work. If he wants to meet skanks, he can very well do it on his own. I'll be the one to choose who's crotch I sniff!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

"Inside Maza's mind and Bruno's mind"

Finally, out of the house after my owner gave Pepper shit by sticking his face in my piss! Now pepper will plot to get me and i must be prepared for war!

For now, I will enjoy the park and watching the many dumb humans who walk behind their dog waiting for them to take a shit! I love the fact that they gotta scoop it!

What gets me laughing inside is when I have a really soft movement and my owner gotta put up with the mushy shit sticking to the grass! Ha, Ha, Ha...

She has this habit of saying my name like she is in shock, then she frowns and does a shiver before she cleans up after me! 

She can't stand any seeing even a smear of shit on the grass, so she rinses the grass with my water! My water! How rude! Did she ask me for permission?

The audacity of these humans irritate me and make me want to have 10 bowel movements!

Yes! we are now at the park...

It looks pretty crowded! Oh my gosh, there is that poodle I can't stand with the stupid bows and outfits that clowns wear! She looks just like her owner. 

Anorexic freaks! I could swallow both of them in one go! Oh, and there is that black lab that has a crush on me. I swear, he better behave this time around or I will put him down!

Ugly ass horn dog! Just look at him rubber neck every time a female walks by... DISGUSTING! No Class at all!

My owner looks like she wants to walk a bit, I can handle that! 

Hmm... Looks like the Tom Selleck look a like dude has a thing for my Mama! Isn't that nice... He is trying to give me a treat to impress my Mama but I am gonna play shy and work 

him with my beautiful eyes. he will have no choice but to stop staring at my Mama and keep his focus on me! He acts like he likes his dog but I saw him last week giving his dog shit 

and calling her a bunch of nasty names! She needs to learn how to growl and bite! He might think twice if she growled just once! 

Yey, his wife just came over. She is one jealous bitch and hates my Mama! My owner doesn't pay any mind to her but I can tell she would love to slap her across the face! ha ha ha...

This is nice! Oh... Mama wants to play ball? Cool! 

I love my life! 

Well... right at this second, I do. I am not sure what will happen when we get home and Pepper gets out of the room. He is probably gathering the rest of the 17 cats and 

planning an ambush attack on me. I don't care! I am bigger than all of them and smarter too! If they gang up on me? I will take them out one by one!

Oh my.... I think I gotta take a dump after that 4th ball catch. I have a feeling I am about to create something very Big out of my cute little ass! 

I am Amazing and I know that! 

Oh my... I gotta do it now!!. It's not my fault, I am just a Dog! ( Squatting .....)

Ah the great outdoors! It's roaming time once again, and I'm going to leave my scent on every tree I can manage to reach, if Othello ever gives me some slack on this God forsaken chain around my huge neck! Why they ever came up with such stupid devices is beyond me. Don't these humans know that we can walk just fine without the use of them? If you ask me, I think there are more humans in need of a leash then dogs! Hypocritical fools that they are...
No problem. I'll just make nice and trot right along next to my human dummy of an owner. Besides, sometimes it's all too tempting to just take off like a bat out of hell and drag the poor son of a bitch for a few blocks, all the while laughing my ass off as Othello yells at me to slow down, his goofy look on his face like he's about to end up getting run over by passing cars as I lead him through red lights at cross-walks! I also love to see the other humans looking on, some laughing and some shouting out moronic statements like "Hey dude! Get control of that animal!"
My favorite is when we stroll through town at lunch time. Some restaurants will have outdoor tables. This is not the smartest thing I've seen humans do, at least not when I'm treading through. One should see the look on Othello's face as I pull him through the sections of tables, weaving through while grabbing assorted lunch items off of the customers' nicely arranged patio tables. He's always apologizing for me, face beet red with embarrassment. Poor dummy.
You'ld think by now he'd learn his lesson, but no. Just like clockwork, I can always count on a free lunch with meathead at the helm. Yep, I love my big dummy, he's a real special kind of stupid.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

"Maza and Bruno"

Hmm... I wonder if my owner will wake up any minute now. She has been in bed for about 10 hours! What the hell is wrong with this female human? One day she is up running with 

speed and the next day she is zombied out! I gotta take a piss and if she does not wake up soon, I will have no choice but to piss! I need a strategy! 

I will take a piss on different areas of the house and make her think the cats did it! Good plan! damn, I am way too smart. 

I wonder who of the 17 cats will get the blame? I hope it's that 'King Pin' black cat, Pepper.

Yeah! he has been known to piss on everything! I will count to 10 and if she does not get her bubble ass out of bed, I will do my golden showers all over the place!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Now, all I need to do is get passed these cats that are staring at me, as if they want to pounce on me!

Lucky for them, I am an animal lover! I would love to take one of them by the neck and shake it around like one of my toys! I am very tempted but business first....

ahhh... Piss number one done! I think 3 more spots shall do...

Awesome! now, I can go back to my nap while the Zombie sleeps.


Oh shit is about to be shoved up my ass if she finds out I did the pissing. I better act really sleepy! 

"Maza, you want some yum yum, then we go for your business? Mom will have a cup of coffee first okay?"

As if I can answer her back! Gee, why are these humans so stupid? Nonetheless, I will act sleepy and sad. I must act innocent or cute, that will be easy as I am a PRO!.

Oh Oh... she saw the first spot I pissed on, here we go...

"Pepper! Did you do this you bad boy! come here! stop running away from me you pisser!"

It worked! my plan worked! Pepper is now gonna have it in me, so I better make sure to stay away from that Panther looking cat with his mean ass claws.

Now, I wait for her to find the next 3 spots and see if Pepper will get locked in the room for a day along with the other cats! 

That sure would be nice to have the whole place to myself without them in-bred-red-neck-ass-eating cats in my way!    

That was a good nap. Hmmm, I'm feeling kinda hungry now, think I'll take a look around and see if any scraps have been left lying around. Othello's always leaving food somewhere, he eats all the time. Matter of fact, I rarely ever see the guy without something in his mouth. It's amazing how much he eats, yet still manages to keep looking fit, kinda like me. Yep, we have at least that much in common.

I can't believe he's still at the computer. His ass is planted to the chair for many hours during the day. I don't see how these humans can spend so much time staring at a monitor. What ever happened to the good outdoors? Gotta get out and roam the territory, check out what's out there and enjoy nature.

Ah good, found some scraps laying! I love pizza! Thank God for the Italians, they really know how to make some tasty foods! I hate dog food. It sucks! No flavor whatsoever. I wonder how other dogs can stand that crap. Give me a slice and a beer, and I'm good.

Let's see if I can get Othello to take me for a walk at least. I usually just approach him with my leash. Gotta make it easy for these humans, because if you don't, they tend to just look at you with that stupid grin on their faces, making silly comments like... "What's the matter? You hungry? You want your chew toy?"

No moron, you see I have this leash in my mouth, don't you? Now get off your lazy ass, and put that box you've been staring at for the past 4 hours in sleep mode for a while! I need some fresh air! Let's go see if we can manage to walk somewhere where I can piss on some trees and sniff some butts!

Nice, he took the bait. Very good my human keeper, you're not as dumb as you look. On our way to roam for a while...I love the outdoors! The world is better outside than in an enclosed space. After all, I am a dog.

Monday, July 16, 2012

"Inside Bruno's mind"

Harrumph! It's such a boring day today, as I watch my owner sitting at the computer playing what these humans call Mafia Wars by Zynga. Look at him clicking away at that mouse, yelling at the top of his lungs while saliva shoots toward the monitor six inches from his face...pathetic. He looks if he's going to burst a blood vessel for Pete's sake!

I would much rather be at the park sniffing Maza's cute little Boxer butt! Every time Othello takes me there, I'm always looking for Maza. I see many other dogs there, but she's the one I care to sniff...

Yea, I'll just daydream for now, as Othello continues to click away at the computer. Maybe take a nap for now, but with all that screaming from this moron of a human sitting across the room, who can sleep?

I don't mind sitting around too much, after all I'm a Rottweiler. I won't move my 120 pounds of solid muscle unless I really need to, and when I do I'm pretty damn swift and agile. My owner Othello takes good care of me and knows what I like to eat...steak!

If it's one thing I can't stand though, it's someone getting carried away. Humans have a tendency to do just that. They're all crazy as far as I'm concerned. Self-centered egomaniacs who think they know everything. It's the pretentious ones that I really detest. All I can say is thank God my owner has some great qualities other than most humans. Lucky for him really, that way he gets to keep his ass intact, without having to worry about me taking a huge chunk out of it when I'm pissed off!

It's entertaining to watch humans, Othello in particular. He's tenacious at times, like when playing Mafia Wars. Always causing drama with others over a stupid online game, where you never meet others you play with, and don't even know a single thing about them. Who's to know who's even on the other end of that stupid monitor he's constantly staring at?

Harrumph! It's time for my daily afternoon nap. Maybe Othello will take me to the park later, so I can sniff some doggy butts...

"Inside Maza's mind"

What a day it has been! My owner getting up early when I wanted to stay in bed. "Get up Maza! we need to eat and go to the gym" she says

Why doesn't she just let me stay in bed? She keeps me all night awake while she is doing computer work and I am waiting for her to go to bed! This dog life sucks!

These humans have no clue of what they are talking about 99% of the time and they think Us dogs are stupid? Gimme a break! All i wanna do is play ball and my owner throws it 10x and figures, 
I am tired? She's the one that is out of shape not me! has she not noticed what my body looks like? I am a Boxer and proud to be one! 

She ran me around doing her errands and the bloody bitch is too cheap to buy me a hamburger while she eats and get fatter by the second!

what's wrong with these humans? They are so stupid! They think they are smarter than Us? why? because we don't use the toilet? Hell, I can shit anywhere i want and anytime I want!

Guess who picks it up? My owner! So who is the real Boss now? She hasn't taken me to the park yet all day! No doubt, i will miss my fun day today!

I guess I can just go to sleep while she stresses out over the bullshit of this and that.

I will sleep in the hall way away from all her screaming and bitching about some idiot who did not mow the lawn where I decided to shit when she wasn't looking!

Screw them all! They can clean up after my shit or step in it! I am gonna take a nap. She bitch wore me out!